Sometimes when I’m with others, either lots of people, or just a few, I think about who I am, how I stand out, and how much I’m worth to them (and myself). When I get these thoughts in my head, it makes me feel lonely and sad. Like, who am I?
How can I possibly stand out when all I want to do is blend in and disappear into the background? And do they even give me enough notice to put a label of worth on me? But how much worth do I put on myself?
Well, I’ve put a worth on myself, and it’s not much at all. Sometimes I think very little of my self-worth, and I struggle with self-confidence when I face harder challenges.
Having low self-esteem started to affect me when I first hit puberty. I could hardly stand to look at myself in the mirror, and I was extremely scared of what others thought when they looked at me.
It was damaging to me, and I still get stuck in that mindset occasionally. Sometimes I cry looking at myself, and then I look back at the mirror and cry harder just from crying.
Everyone else seemed to have something better and/or more than I did. They have cool shoes and graphic shirts, huge phones with crazy-cool phone cases, and basically everything else I could have only dreamed of. I felt so alone, so insignificant, and so hopelessly lost in the world.
So I developed a mask. It is made out of a look of disinterest and boredom. My “bored face” mask hides everything. My lies, insecurities, fears, secret opinions, interests, and everything I want to hide or make disappear. But it hurts me. Shutting everyone out because of my fear of rejection and abandonment.
I am an introverted extrovert turned introvert. I love people and the stories they bring with them. But I can’t hardly force myself to talk to them, no matter how much I want to.
When I’m with others, after a while I want to slip away and disappear. I have to recharge in my own presence. It always appears that everybody-knows-everybody-but-I-don’t. They all went to the same school, and they’ve known each other for forever, but I was home-schooled, so I’m always the outsider of the group.
I have disappeared from groups without anyone noticing. I think when that happens, it hurts even more than just being “ignored“. The next day, they won’t mention it. They won’t bring up the fact that I left, and nothing changed for them. Something little can make me feel really bad.
Once, I went walking on a beach with some other people, just hanging out and taking photos. They decided to jump over a small water current on the beach. But I had borrowed an expensive zoom camera lens from my aunt, and I didn’t want to drop it in the water.
So, I decided to walk over some flat rocks with water flowing through them. I didn’t know how high the water was, so I walked in it and soaked my shoes completely.
I had some choice words (that you won’t hear from me) when I realized that happened. I felt like crying for about an hour later after that happened. I was so disappointed with myself for not trying to jump, and in turn, I ruined my shoes worse than how I feared.
On one hand, yes, this is a “pity me, I felt bad” post about my feelings from a while ago. It took a long time for me to sit down and tell myself to publish this post, because I felt nobody would know who it’s from, and that it seemed “fake” to some. This really did happen, I was on a trip to Oregon with some family/friends, and it ruined the bigger part of my day.
On the other hand, I’m stepping up my game with some floral graphics in my posts! I really like how fresh they look now, and they make me happy. This is also one of my longest written posts I have put out. If you would like to talk more about feelings with me, I’d be happy to share some more stories about my little adventures. Comment down below if anything stuck out to you today.
Bye for now everyone!